MOST NOBLY BORN AND ESPECIALLY BELOVED FRIEND!
I
can easily imagine what you must think of me. That you have well founded
reasons not to think favourably of me I cannot deny. However, before
apologizing
I will first mention the reasons which lead me to hope that my apologies
will be
accepted. I must confess that as soon as I left Augsburg my good spirits
and my
health too began to decline. For the nearer I came to my native town,
the more
frequently did I receive from my father letters urging me to travel
more quickly
than usual, because my mother was not in very good health. So I made
as much
haste as I could, the more so as I myself began to feel ill. My yearning
to see my
ailing mother once more swept all obstacles aside so far as I was concerned,
and
enabled me to overcome the greatest difficulties. I found my mother
still alive, but
in the most wretched condition. She was suffering from consumption and
in the
end she died about seven weeks ago after enduring great pain and agony.
She
was such a good, kind mother to me and indeed my best friend. Oh! who
was
happier than I, when I could still utter the sweet name of mother and
it was heard
and answered; and to whom can I say it now? To the dumb likenesses of
her
which my imagination fashions for me? Since my return to Bonn I have
as yet
enjoyed very few happy hours. For the whole time I have been plagued
with
asthma; and I am inclined to fear that this malady may even turn to
consuption.
Furthermore, I have been suffering from melancholia, which in my case
is almost
as great a torture as my illness. Well, just put yourself in my place;
and if you do,
I shall hope for your forgiveness for my long silence. It was extraordinarily
kind
and friendly of you to lend me three carolins when I was at Augsburg.
But I
must beg you to bear with me a little longer. For my journey has cost
me a good
deal and I cannot hope for any compensation here, not even in the smallest
way.
Fortune does not favour me here at Bonn.
You must forgive me for taking up so much of
your time with my chatter, but it
has all been very necessary for the purpose of my apology.
I
beg you not to refuse from now on your esteemed friendship to me whose
most earnest desire is to deserve it, if only to a small extent.
With the
greatest respect I remain
your
most obedient servant and friend
L.
v. Beethoven
Court
Organist to the Elector of Cologne