WHEN I TELL YOU

by
Adrienne Lauby

(797 words)

 

When I tell you that twice a week before our KPFA listener meeting I carefully check my clothes to see if I’m respectable, what happens?

Do you chuckle at my insecurity? Do you smile at the memory of some of my get-ups? Do your eyes fill with pity? Does your heart open and call me "friend"?

I want to talk about power, turf wars and my favorite euphemism, "diversity." But first, let’s celebrate.

As you read this, the free-Pacifica movement has three viable lawsuits. The listener’s suit was recently successful in its petition to the California Attorney General and two Pacifica Board members are suing too.

Ask Heidi-the-fiddler to pick up her bow! Hey there, Jeff, grab that clarinet and blow! Each suit strengthens the others; each suit makes it harder for a judge to write us off.

Twenty-six people, each one admirable and strong, have declared themselves listener-candidates for the KPFA Advisory Board. All five-station areas have active listener groups willing to fight back. The Pacifica National News Stringer Strikers continue to air their alternative news program. The affiliate stations are challenging Pacifica on their own behalf. Oh, Honey, come by this way. Tonight I want to dance!

And the best part? The best part is that 99% of us still talk to each other; 95% of us still work together. Which is good, because when the sun comes up there’s work for us to do.

Lawsuits take money and we may need a half a million for these. Once I said that the lawyers were necessary but no one should expect me to raise money for a $250. an hour fee. I’m a disabled person with 51 years below the poverty line, I said, I "couldn’t, wouldn’t and shouldn’t."

And yet, as I celebrated the winter chill of mainstream radio breathed against my neck and I signed up to raise money for lawyers, for whatever might save Pacifica.

We celebrate but we haven’t won yet and lately I notice more heat in the various turf wars. So, let me say for the record that I have my own suspicions and paranoia, that I don’t entirely trust all the comrades in struggle.

I check my clothes before I come to meetings because I grew up wearing cheap clothes and people laughed; because I was a country child and style is a mystery; because I’ve been ignored and written off -- for my clothes, my sexual preference, my bluntness, my lack of bluntness, my brilliance, my female self--

I check my clothes before meetings because some of you -- have more money, disagree with me, don’t read the cartoons in the newspaper, are classically beautiful, feel violated by my editing -- some of you -- wear dresses. Some men talk too much; some women (and men) don’t talk enough. You respect me and you insult me and I can’t always tell the difference. To sort out these issues of class, race, my childhood, your father, my German ancestors, your catholic tradition -- overwhelms me, as though I were sorting a pile of autumn leaves. Sometimes I’d rather toss in a match and watch a fire.

And, this is what coalition building feels like.

I joined NB4KPFA to make alliances and I didn’t expect to always like it. As Bernice Johnson Reagon says, if you are comfortable in the room, you aren’t in a coalition. I have comfort in other rooms with people I’ve chosen for safety, people who feel a lot like me. In those rooms we gather and tell each other how wonderful we are. In the free-Pacifica rooms there are nights I want to run screaming for the door.

I don’t think I’m the only one who feels these things and I want others to come and add their issues to the pile. Is this hard for you? Can you share the power you have? Are you willing to be deeply uncomfortable in order to build a strong movement?

KPFA asks for pledges all the time. How about a different kind of pledge, one we make to each other?

As much as I humanly can: I will sit with those who come and find common cause with them. I will be fair and include everyone in the decisions. I will judge by the honesty in their words and eyes and the consistency in their actions. I will allow for human mistakes, whether it is over-emotional, under-emotional or ignorant insult. I will respond honestly to what I see as destructive or self-destructive and I will not use my turn to destroy. I will expect all of us to change.

When I tell you I am quite a bit different from you, proudly, unconsciously and unfortunately. Will you still share your dream of KPFA with me?

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