To Franz Gerhard Wegeler,
Bonn
Vienna, June 29, 1801

Anderson v1 ppg 57-62 letter #51


                                                                                       


       I do thank you most warmly for your remembrance of me which I have so little deserved or even endeavoured to deserve where you are concerned. Yet you are so very good; you allow nothing, not even my unpardonable carelessness, to put you off; and you are still the same faithful, kind and loyal friend -- But you must never think that I could ever forget yourself and all of you who were once so dear and precious to me. There are moments when I myself long for you and, what is more, would like to spend some time with you -- For my fatherland, the beautiful country where I first opened my eyes to the light, still seems to me as lovely and as clearly before my eyes as it was when I left you. In short, the day on which I can meet you again and greet our Father Rhine I shall regard as one of the happiest of my life -- When that will be I cannot yet tell you. But indeed I can assure you that when we meet you will certainly see that I have become a first-rate fellow; not only as an artist but also as a man you will find me better and more fully developed. And if our Fatherland is then in a more prosperous condition, my art will be exercised only for the benefit of the poor. Oh blissful moment, how happy do I count myself that I can help to produce you, that I myself can create you -- You want to know something about my present situation. Well, on the whole it is not at all bad. For since last year Lichnowsky who, although you may find it hard to believe what I say, was always, and still is, my warmest friend (of course we have had some slight misunderstandings, but these have only strengthened our friendship), has disbursed for my benefit a fixed sum of 600 gulden, on which I can draw until I obtain a suitable appointment. My compositions bring me in a great deal; and I may say that I am offered more commissions than it is possible for me to carry out. Moreover for every composition I can count on six or seven publishers, and even more, if I want them; people no longer come to an arrangement with me, I state my price and they pay. So you see how pleasantly situated I am. For instance, I see a friend in need and it so happens that the state of my purse does not allow me to help him immediately; well then, I have only to sit down and compose and in short time I can come to his aid -- Moreover, I live more economically than I used to; and if I remain in Vienna for good, no doubt I shall contrive to obtain one day for a concert every year. I have given a few concerts. But that jealous demon, my wretched health, has put a nasty spoke in my wheel; and it amounts to this, that for the last three years my hearing has become weaker and weaker. The trouble is supposed to have been caused by the condition of my abdomen which, as you know, was wretched even before I left Bonn, but has become worse in Vienna where I have been constantly afflicted with diarrhoea and have been suffering in consequence from an extraordinary debility. Frank tried to tone up my constitution with strengthening medicines and my hearing with almond oil, but much good did it do me! His treatment had no effect, my deafness became even worse and my abdomen continued to be in the same state as before. Such was my condition until autumn of last year; and sometimes I gave way to despair. Then a medical asinus advised me to take cold baths to improve my condition. A more sensible doctor, however, prescribed the usual tepid baths in the Danube. The result was miraculous; and my inside improved. But my deafness persisted or, I should say, became even worse. During this last winter I was truly wretched, for I had really dreadful attacks of colic and again relapsed completely into my former condition. And thus I remained until about four weeks ago when I went to see Vering. For I began to think that my condition demanded the attention of a surgeon as well; and in any case I had confidence in him. Well, he succeeded in checking almost completely this violent diarrhoea. He prescribed tepid baths in the Danube, to which I had always to add a bottle of strengthening ingredients. He ordered no medicines until about four days ago when he prescribed pills for my stomach and an infusion for my ear. As a result I have been feeling, I may say, stronger and better; but my ears continue to hum and buzz day and night. I must confess that I lead a miserable life. For almost two years I have ceased to attend any social functions, just because I find it impossible to say to people: I am deaf. If I had any other profession I might be able to cope with my infirmity; but in my profession it is a terrible handicap. And if my enemies, of whom I have a fair number, were to hear about it, what would they say? -- In order to give you some idea of this strange deafness, let me tell you that in the threatre I have to place myself quite close to the orchestra in order to understand what the actor is saying, and that at a distance I cannot hear the high notes of instruments or voices. As for the spoken voice it is surprising that some people have never noticed my deafness; but since I have always been liable to fits of absentmindedness, they attribute my hardness of hearing to that. Sometimes too I can scarcely hear a person who speaks softly; I can hear sounds, it is true, but cannot make out the words. But if anyone shouts, I can't bear it. Heaven alone knows what is to become of me. Vering tells me that my hearing will certainly improve, although my deafness may not be completely cured -- Already I have often cursed my Creator and my existence. Plutarch has shown me the path of resignation. If it is at all possible, I will bid defiance to my fate, though I feel that as long as I live there will be moments when I shall be God's most unhappy creature -- I beg you not to say anything about my condition to any one, not even to Lorchen; I am only telling you this as a secret; but I should like you to correspond with Vering about it. If my trouble persists, I will visit you next spring. You will rent a house for me in some beautiful part of the country and then for six months I will lead the life of a peasant. Perhaps that will make a difference. Resignation, what a wretched resource! Yet it is all that is left to me --

       You will forgive me, I know, for asking you, who are already facing so much sorrow, to take an interest in the troubles of your friend -- Steffen Breuning is now in Vienna and we meet almost every day. It does me good to revive the old feelings of friendship. He has really become an excellent, splendid fellow, who is well-informed and who, like all of us more or less, has his heart in the right place. I now have very fine rooms overlooking the Bastei, which, moreover, are extremely beneficial to my health. I am almost certain that I shall be able to arrange for B[reuning] to join me. -- I will send you your Antioch and also a great many of my compositions, provided you do not think that the postage for them will cost you too much. Frankly, your love of art still gives me the greatest pleasure. If you let me know how to set about it, I will send you all my works, which, I must admit, now amount to quite a fair number, a number which is daily increasing -- In return for my grandfather's portrait, which I beg you to send me by the mail coach as soon as possible, I am sending you the portrait of his grandson, of your ever loyal and warm-hearted Beethoven. This portrait is being published here by Artaria who like many other art dealers in foreign countries too has often asked me for one. -- I will soon write to Stoffel and blow him up a bit about his peevishness; I will thoroughly drum our old friendship into his ears and insist on receiving from him a solemn promise not to cause more trouble to you who, as it is, are facing a great deal of sorrow -- I will write also to our kind- hearted Lorchen. Even though I have never sent you news of myself, I have never forgotten a single one of all you dear ones; but, as you know, writing was never my strong point. Even my best friends have had no letters from me for years. I live entirely in my music; and hardly have I completed one composition when I have already begun another. At my present rate of composing, I often produce three or four works at the same time --Now do write to me more often and I will make a point of finding time to write to you occasionally. Give my greetings to all and, in particular, to our kind Frau Hofratin, and tell her 'that I still have now and then a raptus.' As for the Kochs I am not at all surprised at their change of luck. Fortune is shaped like a sphere and therefore, I need hardly add, does not always fall on the best and noblest people -- As for Ries, to whom I send cordial greetings, I will write to you more fully about his son, although I think that he could make his fortune more easily in Paris than in Vienna. Vienna is flooded with musicians and thus even the most deserving find it difficult to make a living --- But in the autumn or the winter when people are hurrying back to town I will see what I can do for him -- All good wishes, kind and faithful Wegeler; and rest assured of the affection and friendship of your

                                                                                                                            
Beethoven