I do thank you most warmly
for your remembrance of me which I have so little deserved or even
endeavoured to deserve where you are concerned. Yet you are so very
good; you allow nothing, not even my unpardonable carelessness,
to put you off; and you are still the same faithful, kind and loyal
friend -- But you must never think that I could ever forget yourself
and all of you who were once so dear and precious to me. There are
moments when I myself long for you and, what is more, would like
to spend some time with you -- For my fatherland, the beautiful
country where I first opened my eyes to the light, still seems to
me as lovely and as clearly before my eyes as it was when I left
you. In short, the day on which I can meet you again and greet our
Father Rhine I shall regard as one of the happiest of my life --
When that will be I cannot yet tell you. But indeed I can assure
you that when we meet you will certainly see that I have become
a first-rate fellow; not only as an artist but also as a man you
will find me better and more fully developed. And if our Fatherland
is then in a more prosperous condition, my art will be exercised
only for the benefit of the poor. Oh blissful moment, how happy
do I count myself that I can help to produce you, that I myself
can create you -- You want to know something about my present situation.
Well, on the whole it is not at all bad. For since last year Lichnowsky
who, although you may find it hard to believe what I say, was always,
and still is, my warmest friend (of course we have had some slight
misunderstandings, but these have only strengthened our friendship),
has disbursed for my benefit a fixed sum of 600 gulden, on which
I can draw until I obtain a suitable appointment. My compositions
bring me in a great deal; and I may say that I am offered more commissions
than it is possible for me to carry out. Moreover for every composition
I can count on six or seven publishers, and even more, if I want
them; people no longer come to an arrangement with me, I state my
price and they pay. So you see how pleasantly situated I am. For
instance, I see a friend in need and it so happens that the state
of my purse does not allow me to help him immediately; well then,
I have only to sit down and compose and in short time I can come
to his aid -- Moreover, I live more economically than I used to;
and if I remain in Vienna for good, no doubt I shall contrive to
obtain one day for a concert every year. I have given a few concerts.
But that jealous demon, my wretched health, has put a nasty spoke
in my wheel; and it amounts to this, that for the last three years
my hearing has become weaker and weaker. The trouble is supposed
to have been caused by the condition of my abdomen which, as you
know, was wretched even before I left Bonn, but has become worse
in Vienna where I have been constantly afflicted with diarrhoea
and have been suffering in consequence from an extraordinary debility.
Frank tried to tone up my constitution with strengthening
medicines and my hearing with almond oil, but much good did it do
me! His treatment had no effect, my deafness became even worse and
my abdomen continued to be in the same state as before. Such was
my condition until autumn of last year; and sometimes I gave way
to despair. Then a medical asinus advised me to take cold baths
to improve my condition. A more sensible doctor, however, prescribed
the usual tepid baths in the Danube. The result was miraculous;
and my inside improved. But my deafness persisted or, I should say,
became even worse. During this last winter I was truly wretched,
for I had really dreadful attacks of colic and again relapsed completely
into my former condition. And thus I remained until about four weeks
ago when I went to see Vering. For I began to think that
my condition demanded the attention of a surgeon as well; and in
any case I had confidence in him. Well, he succeeded in checking
almost completely this violent diarrhoea. He prescribed tepid baths
in the Danube, to which I had always to add a bottle of strengthening
ingredients. He ordered no medicines until about four days ago when
he prescribed pills for my stomach and an infusion for my ear. As
a result I have been feeling, I may say, stronger and better; but
my ears continue to hum and buzz day and night. I must confess that
I lead a miserable life. For almost two years I have ceased to attend
any social functions, just because I find it impossible to say to
people: I am deaf. If I had any other profession I might be able
to cope with my infirmity; but in my profession it is a terrible
handicap. And if my enemies, of whom I have a fair number, were
to hear about it, what would they say? -- In order to give you some
idea of this strange deafness, let me tell you that in the threatre
I have to place myself quite close to the orchestra in order to
understand what the actor is saying, and that at a distance I cannot
hear the high notes of instruments or voices. As for the spoken
voice it is surprising that some people have never noticed my deafness;
but since I have always been liable to fits of absentmindedness,
they attribute my hardness of hearing to that. Sometimes too I can
scarcely hear a person who speaks softly; I can hear sounds, it
is true, but cannot make out the words. But if anyone shouts, I
can't bear it. Heaven alone knows what is to become of me. Vering
tells me that my hearing will certainly improve, although my deafness
may not be completely cured -- Already I have often cursed my
Creator and my existence. Plutarch has shown me the path
of resignation. If it is at all possible, I will bid defiance
to my fate, though I feel that as long as I live there will be moments
when I shall be God's most unhappy creature -- I beg you not to
say anything about my condition to any one, not even to Lorchen;
I am only telling you this as a secret; but I should like you to
correspond with Vering about it. If my trouble persists,
I will visit you next spring. You will rent a house for me in some
beautiful part of the country and then for six months I will lead
the life of a peasant. Perhaps that will make a difference. Resignation,
what a wretched resource! Yet it is all that is left to me --
You will forgive me, I
know, for asking you, who are already facing so much sorrow, to
take an interest in the troubles of your friend -- Steffen Breuning
is now in Vienna and we meet almost every day. It does me good to
revive the old feelings of friendship. He has really become an excellent,
splendid fellow, who is well-informed and who, like all of us more
or less, has his heart in the right place. I now have very fine
rooms overlooking the Bastei, which, moreover, are extremely beneficial
to my health. I am almost certain that I shall be able to arrange
for B[reuning] to join me. -- I will send you your Antioch and also
a great many of my compositions, provided you do not think that
the postage for them will cost you too much. Frankly, your love
of art still gives me the greatest pleasure. If you let me know
how to set about it, I will send you all my works, which, I must
admit, now amount to quite a fair number, a number which is daily
increasing -- In return for my grandfather's portrait, which I beg
you to send me by the mail coach as soon as possible, I am sending
you the portrait of his grandson, of your ever loyal and
warm-hearted Beethoven. This portrait is being published here by
Artaria who like many other art dealers in foreign countries too
has often asked me for one. -- I will soon write to Stoffel and
blow him up a bit about his peevishness; I will thoroughly drum
our old friendship into his ears and insist on receiving from him
a solemn promise not to cause more trouble to you who, as it is,
are facing a great deal of sorrow -- I will write also to our kind-
hearted Lorchen. Even though I have never sent you news of myself,
I have never forgotten a single one of all you dear ones; but, as
you know, writing was never my strong point. Even my best friends
have had no letters from me for years. I live entirely in my music;
and hardly have I completed one composition when I have already
begun another. At my present rate of composing, I often produce
three or four works at the same time --Now do write to me more often
and I will make a point of finding time to write to you occasionally.
Give my greetings to all and, in particular, to our kind Frau Hofratin,
and tell her 'that I still have now and then a raptus.' As for the
Kochs I am not at all surprised at their change of luck. Fortune
is shaped like a sphere and therefore, I need hardly add, does not
always fall on the best and noblest people -- As for Ries, to whom
I send cordial greetings, I will write to you more fully about his
son, although I think that he could make his fortune more easily
in Paris than in Vienna. Vienna is flooded with musicians
and thus even the most deserving find it difficult to make a living
--- But in the autumn or the winter when people are hurrying back
to town I will see what I can do for him -- All good wishes, kind
and faithful Wegeler; and rest assured of the affection and friendship
of your
Beethoven