To Karl Amenda, Mirben, near Talsen, Courland
Vienna, July 1, [1801]

Anderson v1 pg63-65 - letter #53



My dear Amenda, my kind Amenda, my warm-hearted friend !

       I received and read your last letter with intense emotion and with mixed feelings of pain and pleasure - To what shall I compare your loyalty to me, your affection to me? Oh, how splendid it is that you have remained so constant to me; and indeed I know that you more than all the others have proved your friendship for me and that you deserve to be my chosen friend. You're no Viennese friend, no, you are one of those such as my native soil is wont to produce. How often would I like to have you here with me, for your B[eethoven] is leading a very unhappy life and is at variance with Nature and his Creator. Many times already I have cursed Him for exposing His creatures to the slightest hazard, so that the most beautiful blossom is thereby often crushed and destroyed. Let me tell you that my most prized possession, my hearing, has greatly deteriorated. When you were still with me, I already felt the symptoms; but I said nothing about them. Now they have become very much worse. We must wait and see whether my hearing can be restored. The symptoms are said to be caused by the condition of my abdomen. So far as the latter is concerned, I am almost quite cured. But that my hearing too will improve, I must hope, It is true, but I hardly think it possible, for diseases of that kind are the most difficult to cure. You will realize what a sad life I must now lead, seeing that I am cut off from everything that is dear and precious to me and, what is more, have to associate with such miserable egoists as Zmeskall, Schuppanzigh and the like. I may say that of all of them Lichnowsky has best stood the test. During this last year he has dispersed for my benefit 600 gulden. This sum and the steady sale of my works enable me to live without financial anxiety. Everything I compose now can be sold immediately five times over and be well paid for too -- Meanwhile I have been composing a good deal. I hear that you have ordered pianos from S[treicher]. I will send you several of my compositions in the case of one of these instruments, so that you may not have to pay too much for them - Well, to comfort me somebody has returned to Vienna; and with him I can share the pleasures of human society and unselfish friendship. He is one of the friends of my youth, and several times I have told him about you, adding that since I left my native land you have been one of those whom my heart has chosen. He too does not care for Z[meskall], who is and always will be too weak for friendship. I regard him and S[chuppanzigh] merely as instruments on which to play when I feel inclined. But they can never be noble witnesses to the fullest extent of my inward and outward activities, nor can they ever truly share my life. I value them merely for what they do for me. Oh how happy should I be now if I had perfect hearing, for then I would join you immediately. But in my present condition I must withdraw from everything; and my best years will rapidly pass away without my being able to achieve all that my talent and my strength have commanded me to do - Sad resignation, too which I am forced to have recourse. Needless to say, I am resolved to overcome all this, but how is it going to be done? Yes Amenda, if after six months my disease proves to be incurable, then I shall claim your sympathy, then you must give up everything and come to me. I shall then travel (when I am playing and composing, my affliction still hampers me least; it affects me most when I am in company) and you must be my companion. I am convinced that my luck will not forsake me. Why, at the moment I feel equal to anything. Since your departure I have been composing all types of music, except operas and sacred works. I feel sure you will not refuse my request; I know that you will help your friend to bear his troubles and his infirmity. My pianoforte playing too has considerably improved; and I hope that our tour will perhaps enable you to make your fortune as well; and then you will stay with me forever - I have safely received all your letters. Although I have replied to them so seldom, yet you have always been present in my thoughts; and my heart beats just as tenderly for you as ever - I beg you to treat what I have told you about my hearing is a great secret to be entrusted to no one, whoever he may be - Write to me very often, for your letters, however short they may be, console me and do me good. Hence I shall expect another letter from you soon, my dear fellow - Be sure not to hand on to anybody your quartet, in which I have made some drastic alterations. For only now have I learnt how to write quartets; and this you will notice, I fancy, when you receive them - Well, best wishes, my dear good fellow. If you know of anything perhaps that I can do for you here to give you pleasure, you understand, of course, that you must inform first of all
                                    you're faithful, you're truly devoted
                                                                                             
L. v. Beethoven