My dear,
kind Wegeler !
I thank
you for this fresh proof of your anxiety about me, the more so
as I deserve it so little where you are concerned - You want to
know how I am and what remedies I am trying. Despite my intense
dislike to speak about this subject I am quite willing to do so
to you - For the last few months V[erring] has made me apply to
both arms vesicatories which, as you doubtless know, consist of
a certain kind of bark. Well, it is an extremely unpleasant treatment,
inasmuch as for a few days (until the bark has drawn sufficiently)
I am always deprived of the free use of my arms, not to mention
the pain I have to suffer. True enough, I cannot deny it, the
humming and buzzing is slightly less than it used to be, particularly
in my left ear, where my deafness really began. But so far my
hearing is certainly not a bit better; and I am inclined to think,
although I do not dare to say so definitely, that it is a little
weaker - The condition of my abdomen is improving, and especially
when I have taken tepid baths for a few days I feel pretty well
for eight or even ten days afterwards. I very rarely take a tonic
for my stomach and, if so, only one dose. But following your advice
I am now beginning to apply herbs to my belly - Vering won't hear
of my taking shower baths. On the whole I am not at all satisfied
with him. He takes far too little interest in and trouble with
a complaint of this kind. I should never see him unless I went
to this house, which is very inconvenient for me - What is your
opinion of Schmidt? It is true that I am not inclined to change
doctors, but I think that V[erring] is too much of a practitioner
to derive many new ideas from reading - In that respect S[chmidt],
I consider, is a totally different fellow and, what is more, he
might perhaps not be quite so casual - People talk about miraculous
your Schmidt is making experiments with galvanism - I am now leading
a slightly more pleasant life, for I am mixing more with my fellow
creatures. You would find it hard to believe what an empty, and
sad life I have had for the last two years. My poor hearing haunted
me everywhere like a ghost; and I avoided - all human society.
I seemed to be a misanthrope and yet am far from being one. This
change has been brought about by a dear charming girl who loves
me and whom I love. After two years I am again enjoying a few
blissful moments; and for the the first time I feel that - marriage
might bring me happiness. Unfortunately she is not of my class
- and at the moment - I certainly could not marry - I must still
bustle about a good deal. Had it not been for my deafness, I should
have long ago travelled half the world over; and that I must do
- For to me there is no greater pleasure than to practice and
exercise my art - Do not imagine that I should be happy living
with at Bonn. In any case what is there to make me any happier?
Even your anxiety would hurt me. Every moment I should see your
face expressing pity and should only feel more unhappy - Those
beautiful parts of my native land, what did they give me but the
hope of bettering my circumstances? And this I should have done
- but for my present affliction - Oh, if only I could be rid of
it I would embrace the whole world - My youth, yes, I feel it,
is only just beginning, for was I not always a sickly fellow?
For some time now my physical strength has been increasing more
and more, and therefore my mental powers also. Every day brings
me nearer to the goal which I feel but cannot describe. And it
is only in that condition that your Beethoven can live. There
must be no rest - I know of none but sleep, and indeed I am heartily
sorry that I must now give more time to sleep than I used to do.
If only I can be partially liberated from my affliction, then
- I will come to you as a complete and mature man, and renew our
old feelings of friendship. You will find me happy as I am fated
to be on this earth, not unhappy - no, that I could not bear -
I will seize Fate by the throat; it shall certainly not bend and
crush me completely - Oh, it would be so lovely to live a thousand
lives - No indeed, I realize now that I am no longer suited to
a quiet life - Do write to me as soon as possible - Try to make
Steffen decide to obtain an appointment somewhere in the Teutonic
order. So far as his health is concerned life in Vienna is fraught
with too much fatigue; and, moreover, he leads such an isolated
existence that I fail to see how he is ever going to get on. You
know what life in Vienna is like. I shall not go so far as to
say that society would relieve his exhaustion. But it is impossible
to persuade him to go anywhere. Some time ago I had music at my
rooms and had invited some particularly charming guests. Well,
our friend - St[effen] - never put in an appearance - I beg you
to urge him to rest more and to be more composed; I have used
all my powers of persuasion. If he does not rest, he will never
be either healthy or happy - Let me know in your next letter whether
it is all the same to you if I send you a good many of my musical
compositions. Needless to say, you can sell to others what you
don't want and thus recover your postage money - my portrait -
as well - Please give all sorts of kind and grateful messages
to L[orchen] and to her mother - and to Christoph too - Surely
you love me a little. Be convinced of the love and also of the
friendship of your
Bthvn