For my brothers
Carl and ______ Beethoven
O
you men who consider, or describe me as quarrelsome, peevish or
misanthropic, how greatly you wrong me! You do not know the secret
reason why I seem to you to be so. From my childhood onward my heart
and soul have been filled with tender feelings of goodwill, and
I have always been willing to perform great and magnanimous deeds.
But reflect, for the past 6 years I have been in an incurable condition
made worse by unreasonable doctors. From year to year I have hoped
to be cured, but in vain, and at last I have been forced to accept
the prospect of a permanent infirmity (whose cure may perhaps take
years, or may prove to be quite impossible). Although born with
a fiery and lively temperament, and even fond of the distractions
of society, I soon had to cut myself off and live in solitude. When,
occasionally, I decided to ignore my infirmity, ah, how cruelly
I was then driven back by the doubly sad experience of my poor hearing,
yet I could not find it in myself to say to people: 'Speak louder,
shout, for I am deaf'. Ah, how could I possibly have referred to
the weakening of a sense which out to be more perfectly developed
in me than in other people, a sense which I once possessed in the
greatest perfection, to a degree which certainly few of my profession
possess or have ever possessed. I cannot do it, so forgive me if
you see me withdraw from your company, greatly though I should like
to mix with you. My misforture afflicts me doubly as I am bound
to be misunderstood. For me there can be no relaxation in human
society, refined conversations and mutual confidences. I must be
entirely alone, and except when the utmost necessity takes me to
the threshold of society I must live like an outcast. If I appear
in complay I am overcome by acute anxiety, for fear I am in danger
of revealing my conditionl. Such has been the case this last half
year, spent in the country, instructed by my sensible doctor to
spare my hearing as much as possible, which is indeed my present
inclination. Sometimes I ahve been driven by my desire to seek the
company of other human beings, but what humiliation when someone,
standing beside me, heard a flute from afar off while I heard nothing,
or when someone heard a shepherd singing, and again I heard nothing!
Such experiences have brought me close to despair, and I came near
to ending my own life -- only my art held me back, as it seemed
to me impossible to leave this world until I have produced everything
I feel it has been granted to me to achieve. So I continue this
miserable existence - truly miserable, as my body is so sensitive
that my condition can change rapidly from very good to very bad.
Patience - that must be my guide, as I am determined, and I hope
will always remain so, to endure until it pleases the inexorable
Parcae to break the thread. Perhaps my lot will improve, perhaps
not -- at the age of 28 I was compelled to become a philosopher.
It has not been easy, and more difficult for an artist than for
anyone else. Oh, God, you look down on my inner soul, and know that
it is filled with love of humanity and the desire to do good. Oh
my fellow men, when you read this some day, reflect that you have
done me wrong, and let him who is unfortunate comfort himself with
the thought that he has found someone equally unfortunate who, despite
all the burdens placed on him by nature, did all which was in his
power to earn a place among worthy artists and human beings. - You,
my brothers Carl and _______, as soon as I am dead, if Professor
Schmidt is still living, ask him in my name to describe my disease,
and add the paper I have written here to the documents of my illness,
so that after my death the world will be reconciled with me as far
as possible. - At the same time I herely nominate you both as heirs
to my little property (if it can be so called); share it honestly,
live in harmony, and help each other. You know that the harm you
did me has long since been forgiven. I thank you brother Carl, in
particular, for the goodness you have shown to me of late. My wish
is that your lives will be better and less careladen than mine.
Urge your children to follow the path of virtue, as that alone can
bring happiness -- money cannot. I speak from experience, as virtue
alone has sustained me in my misery, and it was thanks to virtue,
together with my art, that I did not end my life by committing suicide.
Farewell, and love one another. - I thank all my friends, especially
Prince Lichnowsky and Professor Schmidt. - I wish Prince Lichnowsky's
instruments to be kept safely by one of you, but do not make them
an occasion for strife between you; as long as they can serve you
in a more useful way, sell them - how happy I shall be if, in my
grave, I can still be of use to you both! So be it, I go joyfully
towards death. If it comes before I have had the chance to develop
all my artistic abilities, that will be too soon for me, despite
my hard fate, and I would wish it to be postponed - yet should I
not be satisfied, would it not release me from a condition of endless
suffering? Come when you will, death, I will meet you resolutely.
Farewell, and do not entirely forget me when I am dead; I have deserved
to be remembered by you, as I have often thought of you during my
lifetime. May you be happy.
Heiligenstadt
Ludwig van Beethoven.
6th October
1802