To the Countess Josephine Deym
Vienna, Spring, 1805

Anderson v1 pg130-132 - letter #110



       As I said, the affair with L[ichnowsky], my beloved J[osephin], is not as bad as was made out to you -- Quite by chance L[ichnowsky] had seen the song 'An die Hoffnung' [Opus 32] lying about at my place, although I had not noticed this. And he two said nothing about it. But he gathered from this that I must surely have some affection for you. And then when Zmeskall just went to him about the affair in which you and Tante Gu [Guicciardi] were involved, he asked him if he knew whether I went to see you fairly often. Zmeskall said neither yes nor no. after all, there was nothing he could say, for I had dodged his vigilance as much as possible -- Lichnowsky said that he thought he had noticed by chance (the song) that I must surely have some affection for you. But he did not say anything to Z[meskall] about the song; and that he solemnly assured me, -- and Z[meskall] was to have a word with Tante Gui [Guicciardi] - and suggest that she should speak to you so that you might encourage me more earnestly to finish my opera [Fidelio], because he believed that this might do a lot of good. For he knew for certain what a great regard I cherished for you -- that is the whole factum -- Z[meskall] - magnified it - and Tante Gui [Guicciardi] - likewise - Meanwhile - you may now be calm about it all, seeing that apart from those two persons no one else is involved -

       L[ichnowsky] himself said that so far as he was concerned he had far too great a feeling of delicacy to mention a single word, even if he had assumed with certainty the existence of a more intimate association between us -- On the contrary, there was nothing which he desired more than the formation of such an association between you and me, if it were possible. For what he had reported to him about your character, such a friendship could not but be advantageous to me -- basta così - Well, it is true that I have not been as diligent as I ought to have been -- but a private grief-- robbed me for a long time -- of my usual intense energy. And for some time after the feeling of love for you, my adored J[osephine], began to stir within me, this grief increased even more -- As soon as we are together again with no one to disturb us, you shall hear all about my real sorrows and the struggle with myself between death and life, a struggle in which I was engaged for some time -- For a long period a certain event made me despair of ever achieving any happiness during my life on this earth -- but now things are no longer so bad. I have won your heart. Oh, I certainly know what value I ought to attach to this. My activity will again increase and -- here I give you a solemn promise that in a short time I shall stand before you more worthy of myself and of you -- Oh, if only you would attach some value to this, I mean, to founding my happiness by means of your love - to increasing it - oh, beloved J[osephine], it is no desire for the other sex that draws me to you, no, it is just you, your whole self with all your individual qualities-- this has compelled my regard-- this has bound all my feelings - all my emotional power to you - When I came to you - it was with the firm resolve not to let us single spark of love be kindled and me. But you have conquered me - The question is, whether you wanted to do so? Or whether you did not want to do so? - No doubt J[osephine] could answer that question for me sometime - Dear God, there are so many more things I should love to tell you-how much I think of you - what I feel for you - but how weak and poor are those words - at any rate, my words --

       Long -- long -- of long duration -- may our love become -- For it is so noble--so firmly founded upon mutual regard and friendship -- Even the greatest similarity between us in so many respects, in our thoughts and feelings -- Oh you, you make me hope that your heart will long -- beat for me --Mind can only -- cease -- to beats for you -- when -- it no longer beats -- Beloved J[osephine], I send you all good wishes -- but I also hope -- that through me you will gain a little happiness --otherwise I should certainly be -- selfish