At four o'clock
in the afternoon.
Hardly
have I arrived home when the first thing I do is to write to you,
dear Bigot. I can well believe that my strange behaviour has startled
you -- I am not apologizing for it, for then I should be assuming
that you attach great value to me and that what I did
must have hurt you -- I feel too keenly how little I still
mean to you - At the same time you would be wrong to think that
my behaviour was prompted to any extent by my displeasure at
the refusal of my request to Marie -- True enough, I cannot
deny it, I felt very much hurt; and the reason why I did not speak
to you was in order not to display my feelings; -- Of course
I realized later on that this was rather exaggerated, but I can
assure you by all that is true that this was the true reason
-- I am so very fond of you all, and why should I not confess
it; indeed you are the dearest people I have met since
I left my native town -- It is natural, therefore, that I should
be hurt by some action of yours much more then buy that of other
people, who are of no particular interest to me -- It occurred
to me that our kind and excellent Marie might possibly think that
my invitation of yesterday was connected with the conversation
about it of the day before yesterday. -- but that is certainly
not the case -- And I still cannot understand why it would have
been the improper if Marie and Caroline had come out driving with
me -- But we shall talk about this -- Do let me know quickly in
two words whether my behavior has offended you. You cannot conceive
the pain it causes me really to think that I have given you an
unpleasant moment -- If I have done so, and I have been sufficiently
punished for it, seeing that at table the thought constantly
tortured me -- Owing to some exceedingly pressing business it
is impossible for me to call on you -- I have to go out and I
shall not be home until a late hour, when I hoped to find a few
lines from you which will comfort me -- At the same time I cannot
conceal the fact that this incident has affected my emotions and
that I shall always hesitate to look forward with pleasure to
anything I may expect to receive from you -- Am I to withdraw
myself timidly, and with the feeling of regret that I should have
failed to win the confidence of people who are so dear and so
precious to me and in whose company, ever since I have made
their acquaintance, have constantly felt a desire to be treated
by them no longer as a stranger? -- Am I to do that? -- Impossible
-- I press you all to my heart and remain ever you're faithful
Bthvn.
I didn't see Caroline today,
Is she poorly again?